If you've discovered that you may be experiencing depersonalization (dpd) or a chronic dissociative disorder, you're likely searching for support and guidance.
It's important to note that often, you find what you're looking for online. If you're seeking validation for your feelings of disconnection, that is precisely what you will find. You can literally tell how well you're healing by how broad and holistic your questions become; dpd tends to make us narrow, limited and hopeless - exactly what gets reflected back.
It's crucial to avoid content that perpetuates depersonalization through continuous rumination and fear—these are the very elements that sustain it. I once came across a story of someone who lived with depersonalization for 30 years, and it plunged me into a state of fear that worsened my own condition. Dissociation fundamentally represents a split from one's self, though it's not a physical split you can detect on a CAT scan. It is a mental phenomenon - and all mental phenomenon exists as cells, and electrons moving across particular pathways - it's not one state of mind that overtakes everything else despite it feeling that way. Just ask yourself if you can feel dpd in the contact your foot makes with the ground...or if you can find dpd in the touch of clothing on your skin. There are many parts of you not dissociated right now.
Depersonalization stems from trauma, particularly complex trauma, showcasing the mind's remarkable capacity to protect us from uncontrollable events. While understanding the reasons behind it is useful, knowledge alone is not sufficient for healing.
Effective treatment regardless of symptom severity includes grounded, somatic embodiment therapies. Engaging in therapies that reconnect you to your body is essential, whether it's through cold water therapy, running, walking, or somatic experiencing. Focusing on embodied presence can significantly aid your healing journey.
Moreover, it's important to examine the part of ourselves that feels the pain and disconnection. Throughout my own healing journey, I relied heavily on non-duality principles. It was a profound realization: the self we feel disconnected from isn't fundamentally who we are. The self in pain and disconnection is merely a fractured and illusory part of the mind without true consequence.
Ask yourself: who is aware of your symptoms right now? Can you locate the self that observes this disconnection within? Is it behind your eyes, or is it a distinct entity from your body? You might discover, with some introspection, that besides the physical symptoms and fearful thoughts, there exists a clear awareness of them. This awareness is your path out of the disconnection.
Recognizing the subtle distinction between experiencing depersonalization and being aware of depersonalization is crucial.
This awareness can return you to a place of control over the dissociation that has otherwise dominated your thoughts. Turning towards bodily sensations can be incredibly healing. It disrupts the cycle of fear that continues from avoidance of your true feelings. By releasing the mental narratives, none of which hold truth or reality, you embark on a path to freedom.
Awareness itself remains untouched by experience and is the true Self—the peaceful and loving healer of all mental and physical disturbances. Non-duality teaches us that we are inherently whole when we are simply aware, and not caught up in life's content. Like a room whose space remains unaffected by the furniture, so too is who you really are unaffected by the state of dpd. This doesn't mean we ignore any part of our experience of dissociation - it means we see and feel it without becoming it.
It is not the true Self but the illusory, separate self that maintains dissociation.
True freedom from depersonalization comes from understanding that you've always been whole. The body needs to process past residues through movement, nature, social interactions, realizing that the mind is not the master over the body - in fact it has a tiny role in comparison to our automatic responses.
Non-duality isn't just a spiritual quest—it's grounded in neuroscience and ancient wisdom. It encourages us to connect with our physical sensations devoid of mental narratives, helping us heal beyond the fragmented self who has no true control over us.
Experiencing a crisis of depersonalization was transformative for me, emphasizing how much of my life was spent in a state of chronic dissociation. I could see that it had filtrated into ever crease of my existence, from my relationships, to my parenting, to my inability to simply be here. How else could I have seen the tapestry I was literally clothing myself in without being given the gift of that nakedness? I needed to split in order to return home to my wholeness, and would argue we all need to venture away from safety and what is known once in a while so we have the chance to truly find out that we are what we are searching for.
Every challenging moment invites us to discover what we are not—our thoughts, emotions, past, or future. Yet, it also led me to writing, a coping strategy that has profoundly shaped my life.
Your experiences of depersonalization are not uniquely yours—they are a symptom of a broader collective disconnection from a more holistic way of existing. How else could we treat nature like we do, or hurt others like we have done for so long, without that sense of disconnected-otherness? We share our trauma with countless generations who also had to dissociate in order to survive. But if we want to evolve - we have to move beyond the limited survival mindset that is outdated and dis-serving.
We have the opportunity to end the ripple of disconnect with us. Our healing journey contributes not just to our well-being but benefits future generations.
If you're interested in exploring the intersection of Internal Family Systems, Non-Duality, Nature, and storytelling in your healing process, consider subscribing to my newsletter. I look forward to connecting with you and hearing your story.
Much love, Sez
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